Good Web Comics

While I'm in a posting frenzy I thought I might list a couple of web comics that I read on a regular basis:

1. Oglaf, very naughty but very funny.
2. Cyanide and Happiness, disturbing and gory but funny!
3. xkcd, simple stick figures but quite clever.
4. Dilbert, still funny office humour.
5. Hijinks Ensue, about a couple of dudes. Foul language guaranteed.

There's a few more but that'll do for now.

Sporting Teams Are Filled With Mercenaries.

I was all fired up to write a thoughtful piece on how I can't understand how people can get so emotional about sporting teams considering that there are almost never any players in them who actually lived/grew up/played junior sport there, but then I saw some white guys doing the Haka in the Australia vs New Zealand rugby league test match and pissed myself laughing! Not quite as intimidating as they think they are :)

In Response To That Rancid Westpac Commercial...

One thing I can't stand is when banks pretend that they are your best mate - the person you can rely on through thick and thin, rather than the bloke that roots your new bride on your wedding day.

Their new commercial is pure bullshit and it offends me to the core. Here is my version of the voice over:

We're the mugger in your alley,
we're the blister on your knob,
we're the nail in your tyre,
we're the cancer in your bones,
we're the termites in your trusses,
we're the cataracts in your eyes,
we're the pothole in your road,
we're the bone in your fish and chips,

Westpac, we're a pack of robbing bastards.

I think it has a more honest appeal than the original.

What do you think?

To The Driver Of The Black Skyline...

To the driver of the black Nissan Skyline that cut us all up on the massive roundabout this afternoon, nearly causing two separate accidents:

I hope you die.

Love,
Superbonus.

Superbonus' Monthly Award For Excellence In Government

This months award goes to the government of Saudi Arabia.

Word has just come through that the Saudi judicial system thought that it might be a good idea to jail AND flog a poor woman for the crime of being, wait for it..... gang raped.

Apparently getting set upon by a pack of rapists is tantamount to adultery in this ridiculous country.

But it gets better.

The hapless criminal has two wonderful things to look forward to. The first is giving birth to one of her rapists rancid spawn. The second is one hundred lashes AFTER she has served a one year jail term.

The best bit though is that not one of the sick bastards who perpetrated this crime was charged!

Clearly trillions of dollars of oil money extorted from an energy hungry world has not furthered the cause of women there or even advanced the country much beyond the 14th century.

Congratulations you nimrods. The trophy is in the mail.

Thought Of The Day...

Is Bob the Builder banging Wendy???

I must know!

My wife thinks something fishy is going on.

A Pair Of Nimrods.

If I have to watch Stephanie Rice and Eamon Sullivan prancing about in their undies once more I might just kill myself.

Ever heard of market saturation you dimwits?

A Typical Conversation With My Son In The Morning...

Recently I got my son a new Wallace and Gromit episode called the Wrong Trousers which my son calls "The New Doggies" because it's not the same as the old one. Sounds logical.

Here is a transcript of a typical interchange between us each and every morning:



Watch the new doggies.
Watch the new doggies!
Watch the new doggies daddy.
Daddy watch the new doggies!
New doggies!
Daddy.
Watch the new doggies.

No buddy, daddy is watching the news.

I need to watch the new doggies daddy.
Can we watch the new doggies daddy?

Ok mate we'll watch the new doggies in a minute OK?

Watch the new doggies!

Silence for exactly one minute....

I watch the new doggies daddy.
Watch the new doggies, watch the new doggies.

Give me a second please mate.

Watch the new doggies daddy.
Daddy watch the new doggies.
New doggies.
New doggies!
New doggies!


I put the new doggies on.




I intend to use this tactic on my boss as soon as I return to work:
Give me a raise!
Boss, give me a raise.
I need to get a raise!
Raise?
Raise!
etc.........

What We've All Learned From The Financial Crisis

I think the big lesson that we've all learned from this ginormous mess is that the financial industry is not actually run at all.

Clean cut men in expensive suits sit in big rooms and throw darts at special dart boards all day and in this way important financial decisions are made. We all know that this financial rubbish is basically random in nature so why pretend that it isn't?

The answer to that question is: multi million dollar pay packets. Very few of these people actually understand what is happening and almost none of them are as smart as they want you to think they are.

They are exceptionally good at telling you what happened AFTER the crucial event has taken place which is essentially fucking useless because they never seem to learn from them.

And yet it looks like none of these fiscal geniuses is going to be held accountable for the appalling losses incurred by the average person in the form of their super funds etc... They'll blame it on "unforeseen market forces" or "insufficient regulation within the industry" or some other intangible bullshit.

I only wish I had seen the light earlier and became one of these monkeys... :(

Judge Superbonus says "doc the pay of these chimps-in-suits for an entire year to teach them a lesson".

An End To Black Deaths In Custody?

I happened to be watching the news this evening and I saw a large group of indigenous Australians marching down the road carrying a banner that read "Stop Black Deaths in Custody".

The thought occurred to me that probably the simplest and by far the most effective way of achieving this very noble goal would be to not get incarcerated in the first place.

Am I oversimplifying this or is everybody else missing the point?

Storm Birds Must Die

Anyone with little kids knows that sleep is a precious and rare thing. At the moment, for various reasons, I am not getting enough of it - not even close. I exist in a zombie like state, mustering just enough brain power to walk, talk and eat. Coffee is my fuel.

Lately, instead of being woken at 6am by either my baby daughter exercising her newly found singing voice or by my son bringing in whatever toys he took to bed and putting them in my face, I'm being woken by the forlorn call of a lone Storm Bird. In fact, the little bastard is calling as I type this on a Tuesday night. It's loud and repetitive and I want that bird to die.

Does anyone have any Storm Bird recipes? Would it taste like chicken? Slow cooker or oven?

Frankly I don't give a fuck just as long as it stops waking me up.

Quote of the day...

"When I go out I like to go out in style. That's why I drive a Hyundai." - Georgie Parker.

I like Georgie Parker but I don't like it when people turn into liars for money.

Has anyone else EVER accused a Hyundai of being stylish???

Decent, economical cars with great warranties they may be but stylish???

6 Random Things

I have been tagged by Ellie from Hillbilly's at Heart to write six random things about myself.

Apparently the rules are:

1. Link to the person who “tagged” you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Here goes...

1. I believe there is a reason for everything and I tediously offer suggestions as to why things might have happened whether asked or not.

2. I don't understand the thought process behind religion or smoking. I just don't get it.

3. Sometimes I feel guilty when I leave for work in the morning because I know that my wife Mothership will have a much harder day with the kids than I will at work.

4. I was lucky enough to do my last three years of high school in Switzerland and ski for three hours every day after lunch during winter term :) The skiing was compulsory and some girls amazingly used to fake period related ailments to get out of it!!

5. I'm sure that I used to be much smarter than I am now. I'm getting dumber as I get older.

6. I really, really want to get a job for a few years in Dubai to earn some tasty tax free dollars so we can throw off the shackles of our oppressive mortgage and start having a real life.

Sadly I'm going to have to break rule 4 as all the people I would have tagged have already been hit.

On the charge of having no friends; Judge Superbonus finds himself GUILTY!!!

Daydreamin'

I had a truly wonderful daydream today....

I was driving along with my lovely wife and children on a clear sunny day enjoying the splendour of life's rich tapestry when, all of a sudden, we rounded a bend and came upon the worlds biggest accident. Imagine all the Nissan Skylines in Australia colliding at high speed with all the Subaru WRXs.

Terrific!!!!

But it gets better.

As we drove by the smouldering pile of steel and plastic we saw that under the wreckage were all the utes in the country!

MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!

98% of the dangerous, noisy, inconsiderate drivers off of our roads in one fell swoop.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Word Of The Day...

Flaps!

He he he he he he he....

Do You Give a Rat's Arse That Nicole Kidman Has Had a Baby?

I don't. In fact I hate it when "stars" have babies because that means that every news bulletin and current affairs show will headline with these overpaid, spoiled money leechers and their new sprog. Then you get the magazines and the commercials for those magazines.

Why oh why do people buy these magazines? The photos that feature in these mags are sold to them for massive profit by these "stars". What are you expecting to see that you haven't seen a thousand times before? Do you think that the child will have a single eye in the middle of it's forehead? Will it have bright green hair and fire spewing from it's anus? Unlikely...

In any case nobody else's kids are cuter than mine.

Not even Kidman's.

Not even yours!

What The F#$k is The "Innernet"?

I find myself wondering why Americans are incapable of saying the word "internet". They seem to think that the "T" is silent and it's pronounced "innernet". It really shits me.

Having said that, it seems us Australians are trying to eradicate the letter "L" from our lexicon. Can you remember the last time any of our news readers (or anyone at all) last said the word "world" properly? Apparently it's now pronounced "worwd".

You can actually get dumber just by watching TV.

The people have spoken and it's fuck you "T" and get lost "L".

Words and Phrases Guaranteed To Make Your Boss Think You Are Smart And Your Technical People Rightly Think You Know Next To Nothing...

The following is a list of words and phrases that are guaranteed to make you sound like a brain dead corporate puppet:

Convergence,
Symbiotic,
Take it Offline,
Stakeholder,
Synergistic,
Paradigm,
Take Ownership,
COB,
Brain Dump,
Deliverables,
Brain Fart,
Feature Creep,
KPI,
Touch Base,
Mind Share,
Moving Forward,
Best Practice,
Show Stopper,
Keep Me In The Loop,
Scope Creep,
Target Market,
Demographic.

I have heard all of these and many more in meetings and presentations by "Sales Engineers" (what a contradiction in terms!), executives and ladder climbing wannabees and I think it's safe to say that the minute you hear any of these terms you can roll your eyes back into your head and start day dreaming - safe in the knowledge that you're not going to learn anything from that particular drone.

Kylie Minogue Made My Baby Daughter Cry

While channel surfing this morning I had the misfortune of stumbling onto a video clip of one of Kylie Minogues vast back catalog of mediocrity. Almost immediately my daughter started to wail like a banshee!

Was it the high pitched nasal monotone?

Was it the embarrassingly limited vocal range?

Was it the fact she was dressed like a whore?

Was it the really, really simple lyrics?

Perhaps it was the obvious cosmetic surgery meaning her face doesn't move properly anymore.


It just shows that my lovely little six month old girl has inherited her fathers taste in music.

Edit: Judge Superbonus says.... GUILTY of crimes against my ears.

Judge Superbonus Says..

Channel Nine - your lightweight approach to news, current affairs and checkbook/investigative journalism is embarrassing and pathetic.

You are a shadow of your former self and Kerry Packer would be turning in his grave.

One only has to watch your rugby league coverage and hear Ray Warren rabbiting on about CSI or hear Fatty Vautin trying to cross promote another of your dodgy programs to understand why your ratings are sliding like a greasy fat person on a hill made of glass.


Channel Nine; on the charge of being crap - I find you guilty!


You're just lucky channel ten is worse.

Next case please.

Senior Sargeant Superbonus' Answer to Gangland Violence

This one really is a no brainer and I'm surprised, no shocked, that the police forces of the nation haven't figured it out.

Cast your mind back a few years when the gangs of Moran and Williams were going head to head murdering each other tit for tat. The police were actually trying to stop them?!

The solution?

Do nothing.

Do nothing until there is only one bad dude left and then either arrest him or shoot him. Bingo! Problem solved.

Next case please.

Judge Superbonus Says...

Shappelle, Mercedes and your dodgy brother: GUILTY!

Everyone knows it. Stop the charade.

Next case please.

I'm not actually gay...

...but since I have been tagged by Ellie from Hillbilly's at Heart and asked the question "Who would you turn gay for?" here is my answer:

I wouldn't turn gay for anyone but if I was held down and totally forced to make a choice it would be one of these guys:


Hell I'd donate my left nut to science just for their wardrobes!


Or maybe this guy because he really is sublime with a football at his feet (and he used to play for my favourite team):

A Special Kind of Person.

Last Saturday morning Mothership and I were witness to that great Aussie ritual - the garage sale. It happened right across the road so we were able to see all the comings and goings. As everyone knows the advertised start times of garage sales mean nothing and people were showing up well before the clearly stated 7am start time.

Now I know that people who get out of a nice warm bed at the crack of dawn to drive around and sift through other peoples belongings are a special breed but I didn't know that they were truly shit at parking. Without exaggeration, at least 50% of cars that attended the garage sale parked across the sellers driveway! There was heaps of space on either side of the road yet they chose to obstruct the driveway.

Here's just a tiny sample of what we saw:


Fuck we're a weird race. Especially me...

Quote of The Day...

While watching 60 Minutes (A Current Affair Weekend Edition as it is now known) we saw an interview with Australian Olympic 400m wannabe John Steffensen. He came across as such a rancid self loving tool that my wife (Mothership) said:

"How revolting must he be for me to want my fellow countryman to fail".

Couldn't have said it better my love.

Even More Things That Shit Me...

Dealing With Big Companies - The other day I was doing some work from home when the internet just turned over and died. As I had been working on something important for the last hour or so and was just seconds away from pressing the proverbial "go" button I was a wee bit peeved. My boss was waiting for me to let him know that I was done so others could go ahead and do their stuff. I considered just picking up my laptop and heading over to my mother-in-law's house to finish off but we foolishly decided to ring Telstra and find out what the story was.

My wife eventually got connected to a very polite man who ran through a checklist to find out whether we had everything connected up right etc. AFTER that, not BEFORE which would have been logical, he then checked to see if there were any outages in our area which of course there were.

I heard her chatting away then all of a sudden she said "But! What? Huh? I'm sorry could you repeat that? Did you say 48 or 4 to 8?" At this point she shook her head and was blabbering to herself in a manic fashion so she gave me the phone and I continued: "If it's scheduled maintenance isn't it traditional to notify the customers that might be affected?" I said. "Ah yes sir for short outages all we're required to do is publish a notice in your local paper and that was done in this case" was his reply. I was flabbergasted! "So it is Telstra's opinion that 48 hours is deemed a "short" outage?". "Yes sir - anything up to 48 hours is a short outage".

Sadly, 48 hours without the internet in our household would probably mean that the police would be called at least once to attend a "disturbance" or a "fracas".

He then went on to tell me that in cases like this the people who complain the loudest generally get dealt with first. "Consider this a loud complaint then as I'm trying to work from home!" I said. Not to mention that my wife was tracking some things on Ebay...

To his credit the line was reconnected within half an hour and I finished my job in 90 seconds.

Dealing with large companies sucks.

I'd love to hear some of your stories.

Health Update... (no pun intended).

Yesterday my wife and I were lucky enough to simultaneously wake up together at 2:30am with what seems to be a nasty case of gastro. At one stage my wife was in the toilet vomiting while I was in the bathroom next door doing the very same thing. I can honestly say that I cannot remember feeling so awful. Zero sleep and MANY visits to the toilet.

We decided to try the "fasting" method and not eat anything until our bellies were empty so there would be nothing left to poo/vomit. It's now about 36 hours later and I am feeling a lot better but hungry as hell. I broke my fast with a healthy dose of salt and vinegar chips and a glass of Coke. It's too early yet to tell what the consequences of this will be.

In a strange twist, my wife received a text message from her mother yesterday saying that her house was out of bounds for any visits because her husband had woken at 2:30am with a horrible case of gastro! How weird!

Of course the children sensed that we were tired and feeling crap so they launched a coordinated attack on our sanity. EVERY button was pushed and no liquid was left unspilled etc.

Anyhow here's a picture that sums up how I felt yesterday:

More Things That Shit Me...

• Other Drivers Part 2 - In the comments of my previous post Ellie said "what about drivers who are doing 90km then when you hit an overtaking lane they speed up to about 110km". I couldn't agree more. I don't understand the logic. Do they just go "oh look the road is now twice as wide so I can safely go a bit faster and then I won't be holding these 900 cars up so much"? Just keep the same speed and let us go by you dick head!!
• Banks - Profits are at an all time high and the executives have all been given their megabuck bonuses in spite of the fact that they showed gross incompetence by allowing their organisations to become embroiled in the sub prime lending fiasco. When profit forecasts drop what do they do? They raise their rates so you and I can pick up the slack. What do these executives have to do to be given the arse? Kill someone? They've probably already caused a few people to kill themselves...
  
• Social Engineering - There are many examples of this but the very latest is Paid Maternity Leave. This would be great in theory but the plan is to make the tax payer and business pay for it. In the good old days you decided that you might like to start a family and you'd plan for it. You'd save if necessary and in our case we actually bought our home prior because we knew that it would be harder to get a loan on a single income with a dependent. But now apparently it's no longer your responsibility! Joe public and your poor employer will pick up the tab! Seriously, what employer in their right mind would employ a woman of child rearing age if this were to become law? Why do we have this insane desire to pretend that men and women are the same? Try this simple trick: stand up, pull your pants down and take a look at the contents. I bet that you see a vagina if you are a girl and a penis if you are a boy. You see we ARE different despite what some people say. "It's not my problem" is the new black.
  
• Insane Neighbours - We have this middle aged woman next door. She's the one with the noisy dog that my wife butts heads with from time to time. A few days ago they had another session after her dog woke our kids and each morning since she has been rolling down the windows of her car and playing middle aged music at full volume as she backs down her driveway. Presumably she thinks she is waking us up. News flash - if you have kids you have been up for ages come 8am!
• Junkies - The other day my wife and I were out and about with the two life stealers in tow. One of them decided to evacuate their bowels as we took her out of the car. We quickly located a convenient toilet only to find that it was locked. As it was near the centre of Surfers Paradise we can only presume that they were locked to stop junkies from shooting up in there. My lovely wife piped up with a rousing chorus of "thanks a lot junkies"as we carried our freshly beturded child off to find another, unlocked, toilet.
  

Thanks for your time. I feel better now.

Things That Shit Me...

In no particular order:

• Smokers - Do they realise how much they stink? It's a sickening stench that seems to be able to travel enormous distances to annoy us non smokers. I can't understand how anyone could smoke knowing what it is doing to their bodies. Do they want to risk (with near certainty) leaving their kids earlier than they would otherwise? Having said that some of the people I love are smokers and I just wish they wouldn't. I'll miss them.
• Other Drivers - Basically you all suck. None of you can do roundabouts correctly, you don't indicate until after you've changed lanes (if at all) and you don't seem to realise that one moment of inattention or stupidity can wipe out my whole family. Go ahead and roll your own car but don't take us with you.
  
• Speed Cameras - Doing nothing to lower the road toll. Replace them with roving police cars and the roads would be much safer. But that would probably mean less revenue so it's never going to happen.
  
• Proxy parents - People who can't resist giving unsolicited parenting advice that is almost always rubbish.
• Fresh Canvassers - My kids who relish the opportunity to crap themselves five minutes after I have changed them.
• Unions - Lowering the bar for everyone by failing to reward excellence and ignoring incompetence. Be good at your job - it's the best protection you can get.
• Music Videos - As soon as the video clip became more important than the music the music had no chance. Beautiful people rule the scene so the quality musicians don't get the gigs. Video really did kill the radio star.

• R & B music - Why oh why? Fuck me, it's so awful.
• Cheerleaders - Just fucking pointless. Way to alienate 50% of your potential audience immediately. I'm no homo but can we just get to the sport?
• Yapping Fucking Dogs - Dogs that bark pointlessly should have their voice boxes hacked out and their owners should be neutered. We are surrounded on 4 (used to be 5) sides by dogs that bark all day and a lot of the night. Don't have a dog if you live in suburbia - it's cruel and it's annoying to everyone around you.
  

If you fall into any of the categories above it doesn't mean that we can't be mates - it just means that you do something that shits me! I'm CERTAIN that I do some things that would shit you.

This is not an exhaustive list. There will be more...

Who Cares Who Reads the News From the Frigging Autocue?

OK, I'll admit it - I've had a shocking week. All four of us here at home are sick and my patience is running thinner than one of Nicole Richie's arms.

I've just seen a commercial for Channel Nine News where they're airing some sound bites of candid chats with "people in the street" (yeah right...). These people are yabbering on about how much they connect with "Bruce and Heather" who are our local Queensland news readers.

Seriously, who gives a fuck who reads a totally pre written script from an Autocue machine???

They are told what to wear and are dressed by professionals, their makeup is done by another pro, a light tells them which way to look and if anything unexpected happens the producer or director tells them what to do via their headsets!


I'm positive that they could train monkeys to do the job IF they could find a pair bland enough.


Gotta love Bronchitis...

Motivational Thought of the Day...

The pic says it all.





Many thanks to the lads from the Football365 forums for creating a whole line of accurate motivational posters.

Pet Hate.

I have many pet hates but an interview with some gimp I saw on some crap TV current affairs show yesterday reminded me of one of them:

When people use "somethink" instead of "something".

THERE IS NO "K" IN THE WORD "THING"!

Got it??

I would go so far as to say that if I hear you say "somethink" I instantly subtract 100 IQ points off of your intelligence. I don't care if you're a fucking dead-set genius, if you say "somethink" your opinion immediately means nothing to me.

So THINK before you say SOMETHINK!!

Quote of the Day...

To blow a stump.

As in "I think he's just blown a stump".

My wife's favourite way to inform me that someone has done a poo.

Quote of the day...

Look at the tits on that mannequin!!

Said by my wife as we walked past a bra/girlie things shop.

To be fair the dummy really did have cracking boobs. Big AND pert!

UPDATE...
We were walking past the dummy in question again today and I just had to take a picture. Feast your eyes...


On reflection I don't really know what I saw in them. Consider her dumped.

Why I blog part II

This says it all really...


That's not me by the way.

"No Shit!!" advertisement of the day...

Today we received a big thick pile of store catalogues in the mail which, to my delight, were mainly man type catalogues. You know the ones; plasma TVs, computer bits, mp3 players, exotic motor oils, hardware etc. After sorting them into "potential for excitement" priority I waded in and about two thirds the way through the pile I stumbled upon this wonderful nugget of obviousness:



Note the area I have thoughtfully circled in yellow. Can you believe that it actually says "MOTORBIKE NOT INCLUDED"?

Here I was thinking I had scored a snappy looking motorcycle AND a motorcycle lift all for $169!

I know the Aussie dollar is strong but...

Fark man...