Judge Superbonus Says...

Shappelle, Mercedes and your dodgy brother: GUILTY!

Everyone knows it. Stop the charade.

Next case please.

I'm not actually gay...

...but since I have been tagged by Ellie from Hillbilly's at Heart and asked the question "Who would you turn gay for?" here is my answer:

I wouldn't turn gay for anyone but if I was held down and totally forced to make a choice it would be one of these guys:


Hell I'd donate my left nut to science just for their wardrobes!


Or maybe this guy because he really is sublime with a football at his feet (and he used to play for my favourite team):

A Special Kind of Person.

Last Saturday morning Mothership and I were witness to that great Aussie ritual - the garage sale. It happened right across the road so we were able to see all the comings and goings. As everyone knows the advertised start times of garage sales mean nothing and people were showing up well before the clearly stated 7am start time.

Now I know that people who get out of a nice warm bed at the crack of dawn to drive around and sift through other peoples belongings are a special breed but I didn't know that they were truly shit at parking. Without exaggeration, at least 50% of cars that attended the garage sale parked across the sellers driveway! There was heaps of space on either side of the road yet they chose to obstruct the driveway.

Here's just a tiny sample of what we saw:


Fuck we're a weird race. Especially me...

Quote of The Day...

While watching 60 Minutes (A Current Affair Weekend Edition as it is now known) we saw an interview with Australian Olympic 400m wannabe John Steffensen. He came across as such a rancid self loving tool that my wife (Mothership) said:

"How revolting must he be for me to want my fellow countryman to fail".

Couldn't have said it better my love.

Even More Things That Shit Me...

Dealing With Big Companies - The other day I was doing some work from home when the internet just turned over and died. As I had been working on something important for the last hour or so and was just seconds away from pressing the proverbial "go" button I was a wee bit peeved. My boss was waiting for me to let him know that I was done so others could go ahead and do their stuff. I considered just picking up my laptop and heading over to my mother-in-law's house to finish off but we foolishly decided to ring Telstra and find out what the story was.

My wife eventually got connected to a very polite man who ran through a checklist to find out whether we had everything connected up right etc. AFTER that, not BEFORE which would have been logical, he then checked to see if there were any outages in our area which of course there were.

I heard her chatting away then all of a sudden she said "But! What? Huh? I'm sorry could you repeat that? Did you say 48 or 4 to 8?" At this point she shook her head and was blabbering to herself in a manic fashion so she gave me the phone and I continued: "If it's scheduled maintenance isn't it traditional to notify the customers that might be affected?" I said. "Ah yes sir for short outages all we're required to do is publish a notice in your local paper and that was done in this case" was his reply. I was flabbergasted! "So it is Telstra's opinion that 48 hours is deemed a "short" outage?". "Yes sir - anything up to 48 hours is a short outage".

Sadly, 48 hours without the internet in our household would probably mean that the police would be called at least once to attend a "disturbance" or a "fracas".

He then went on to tell me that in cases like this the people who complain the loudest generally get dealt with first. "Consider this a loud complaint then as I'm trying to work from home!" I said. Not to mention that my wife was tracking some things on Ebay...

To his credit the line was reconnected within half an hour and I finished my job in 90 seconds.

Dealing with large companies sucks.

I'd love to hear some of your stories.

Health Update... (no pun intended).

Yesterday my wife and I were lucky enough to simultaneously wake up together at 2:30am with what seems to be a nasty case of gastro. At one stage my wife was in the toilet vomiting while I was in the bathroom next door doing the very same thing. I can honestly say that I cannot remember feeling so awful. Zero sleep and MANY visits to the toilet.

We decided to try the "fasting" method and not eat anything until our bellies were empty so there would be nothing left to poo/vomit. It's now about 36 hours later and I am feeling a lot better but hungry as hell. I broke my fast with a healthy dose of salt and vinegar chips and a glass of Coke. It's too early yet to tell what the consequences of this will be.

In a strange twist, my wife received a text message from her mother yesterday saying that her house was out of bounds for any visits because her husband had woken at 2:30am with a horrible case of gastro! How weird!

Of course the children sensed that we were tired and feeling crap so they launched a coordinated attack on our sanity. EVERY button was pushed and no liquid was left unspilled etc.

Anyhow here's a picture that sums up how I felt yesterday:

More Things That Shit Me...

• Other Drivers Part 2 - In the comments of my previous post Ellie said "what about drivers who are doing 90km then when you hit an overtaking lane they speed up to about 110km". I couldn't agree more. I don't understand the logic. Do they just go "oh look the road is now twice as wide so I can safely go a bit faster and then I won't be holding these 900 cars up so much"? Just keep the same speed and let us go by you dick head!!
• Banks - Profits are at an all time high and the executives have all been given their megabuck bonuses in spite of the fact that they showed gross incompetence by allowing their organisations to become embroiled in the sub prime lending fiasco. When profit forecasts drop what do they do? They raise their rates so you and I can pick up the slack. What do these executives have to do to be given the arse? Kill someone? They've probably already caused a few people to kill themselves...
  
• Social Engineering - There are many examples of this but the very latest is Paid Maternity Leave. This would be great in theory but the plan is to make the tax payer and business pay for it. In the good old days you decided that you might like to start a family and you'd plan for it. You'd save if necessary and in our case we actually bought our home prior because we knew that it would be harder to get a loan on a single income with a dependent. But now apparently it's no longer your responsibility! Joe public and your poor employer will pick up the tab! Seriously, what employer in their right mind would employ a woman of child rearing age if this were to become law? Why do we have this insane desire to pretend that men and women are the same? Try this simple trick: stand up, pull your pants down and take a look at the contents. I bet that you see a vagina if you are a girl and a penis if you are a boy. You see we ARE different despite what some people say. "It's not my problem" is the new black.
  
• Insane Neighbours - We have this middle aged woman next door. She's the one with the noisy dog that my wife butts heads with from time to time. A few days ago they had another session after her dog woke our kids and each morning since she has been rolling down the windows of her car and playing middle aged music at full volume as she backs down her driveway. Presumably she thinks she is waking us up. News flash - if you have kids you have been up for ages come 8am!
• Junkies - The other day my wife and I were out and about with the two life stealers in tow. One of them decided to evacuate their bowels as we took her out of the car. We quickly located a convenient toilet only to find that it was locked. As it was near the centre of Surfers Paradise we can only presume that they were locked to stop junkies from shooting up in there. My lovely wife piped up with a rousing chorus of "thanks a lot junkies"as we carried our freshly beturded child off to find another, unlocked, toilet.
  

Thanks for your time. I feel better now.

Things That Shit Me...

In no particular order:

• Smokers - Do they realise how much they stink? It's a sickening stench that seems to be able to travel enormous distances to annoy us non smokers. I can't understand how anyone could smoke knowing what it is doing to their bodies. Do they want to risk (with near certainty) leaving their kids earlier than they would otherwise? Having said that some of the people I love are smokers and I just wish they wouldn't. I'll miss them.
• Other Drivers - Basically you all suck. None of you can do roundabouts correctly, you don't indicate until after you've changed lanes (if at all) and you don't seem to realise that one moment of inattention or stupidity can wipe out my whole family. Go ahead and roll your own car but don't take us with you.
  
• Speed Cameras - Doing nothing to lower the road toll. Replace them with roving police cars and the roads would be much safer. But that would probably mean less revenue so it's never going to happen.
  
• Proxy parents - People who can't resist giving unsolicited parenting advice that is almost always rubbish.
• Fresh Canvassers - My kids who relish the opportunity to crap themselves five minutes after I have changed them.
• Unions - Lowering the bar for everyone by failing to reward excellence and ignoring incompetence. Be good at your job - it's the best protection you can get.
• Music Videos - As soon as the video clip became more important than the music the music had no chance. Beautiful people rule the scene so the quality musicians don't get the gigs. Video really did kill the radio star.

• R & B music - Why oh why? Fuck me, it's so awful.
• Cheerleaders - Just fucking pointless. Way to alienate 50% of your potential audience immediately. I'm no homo but can we just get to the sport?
• Yapping Fucking Dogs - Dogs that bark pointlessly should have their voice boxes hacked out and their owners should be neutered. We are surrounded on 4 (used to be 5) sides by dogs that bark all day and a lot of the night. Don't have a dog if you live in suburbia - it's cruel and it's annoying to everyone around you.
  

If you fall into any of the categories above it doesn't mean that we can't be mates - it just means that you do something that shits me! I'm CERTAIN that I do some things that would shit you.

This is not an exhaustive list. There will be more...