In Response To That Rancid Westpac Commercial...

One thing I can't stand is when banks pretend that they are your best mate - the person you can rely on through thick and thin, rather than the bloke that roots your new bride on your wedding day.

Their new commercial is pure bullshit and it offends me to the core. Here is my version of the voice over:

We're the mugger in your alley,
we're the blister on your knob,
we're the nail in your tyre,
we're the cancer in your bones,
we're the termites in your trusses,
we're the cataracts in your eyes,
we're the pothole in your road,
we're the bone in your fish and chips,

Westpac, we're a pack of robbing bastards.

I think it has a more honest appeal than the original.

What do you think?

To The Driver Of The Black Skyline...

To the driver of the black Nissan Skyline that cut us all up on the massive roundabout this afternoon, nearly causing two separate accidents:

I hope you die.

Love,
Superbonus.

Superbonus' Monthly Award For Excellence In Government

This months award goes to the government of Saudi Arabia.

Word has just come through that the Saudi judicial system thought that it might be a good idea to jail AND flog a poor woman for the crime of being, wait for it..... gang raped.

Apparently getting set upon by a pack of rapists is tantamount to adultery in this ridiculous country.

But it gets better.

The hapless criminal has two wonderful things to look forward to. The first is giving birth to one of her rapists rancid spawn. The second is one hundred lashes AFTER she has served a one year jail term.

The best bit though is that not one of the sick bastards who perpetrated this crime was charged!

Clearly trillions of dollars of oil money extorted from an energy hungry world has not furthered the cause of women there or even advanced the country much beyond the 14th century.

Congratulations you nimrods. The trophy is in the mail.

Thought Of The Day...

Is Bob the Builder banging Wendy???

I must know!

My wife thinks something fishy is going on.

A Pair Of Nimrods.

If I have to watch Stephanie Rice and Eamon Sullivan prancing about in their undies once more I might just kill myself.

Ever heard of market saturation you dimwits?

A Typical Conversation With My Son In The Morning...

Recently I got my son a new Wallace and Gromit episode called the Wrong Trousers which my son calls "The New Doggies" because it's not the same as the old one. Sounds logical.

Here is a transcript of a typical interchange between us each and every morning:



Watch the new doggies.
Watch the new doggies!
Watch the new doggies daddy.
Daddy watch the new doggies!
New doggies!
Daddy.
Watch the new doggies.

No buddy, daddy is watching the news.

I need to watch the new doggies daddy.
Can we watch the new doggies daddy?

Ok mate we'll watch the new doggies in a minute OK?

Watch the new doggies!

Silence for exactly one minute....

I watch the new doggies daddy.
Watch the new doggies, watch the new doggies.

Give me a second please mate.

Watch the new doggies daddy.
Daddy watch the new doggies.
New doggies.
New doggies!
New doggies!


I put the new doggies on.




I intend to use this tactic on my boss as soon as I return to work:
Give me a raise!
Boss, give me a raise.
I need to get a raise!
Raise?
Raise!
etc.........

What We've All Learned From The Financial Crisis

I think the big lesson that we've all learned from this ginormous mess is that the financial industry is not actually run at all.

Clean cut men in expensive suits sit in big rooms and throw darts at special dart boards all day and in this way important financial decisions are made. We all know that this financial rubbish is basically random in nature so why pretend that it isn't?

The answer to that question is: multi million dollar pay packets. Very few of these people actually understand what is happening and almost none of them are as smart as they want you to think they are.

They are exceptionally good at telling you what happened AFTER the crucial event has taken place which is essentially fucking useless because they never seem to learn from them.

And yet it looks like none of these fiscal geniuses is going to be held accountable for the appalling losses incurred by the average person in the form of their super funds etc... They'll blame it on "unforeseen market forces" or "insufficient regulation within the industry" or some other intangible bullshit.

I only wish I had seen the light earlier and became one of these monkeys... :(

Judge Superbonus says "doc the pay of these chimps-in-suits for an entire year to teach them a lesson".

An End To Black Deaths In Custody?

I happened to be watching the news this evening and I saw a large group of indigenous Australians marching down the road carrying a banner that read "Stop Black Deaths in Custody".

The thought occurred to me that probably the simplest and by far the most effective way of achieving this very noble goal would be to not get incarcerated in the first place.

Am I oversimplifying this or is everybody else missing the point?

Storm Birds Must Die

Anyone with little kids knows that sleep is a precious and rare thing. At the moment, for various reasons, I am not getting enough of it - not even close. I exist in a zombie like state, mustering just enough brain power to walk, talk and eat. Coffee is my fuel.

Lately, instead of being woken at 6am by either my baby daughter exercising her newly found singing voice or by my son bringing in whatever toys he took to bed and putting them in my face, I'm being woken by the forlorn call of a lone Storm Bird. In fact, the little bastard is calling as I type this on a Tuesday night. It's loud and repetitive and I want that bird to die.

Does anyone have any Storm Bird recipes? Would it taste like chicken? Slow cooker or oven?

Frankly I don't give a fuck just as long as it stops waking me up.

Quote of the day...

"When I go out I like to go out in style. That's why I drive a Hyundai." - Georgie Parker.

I like Georgie Parker but I don't like it when people turn into liars for money.

Has anyone else EVER accused a Hyundai of being stylish???

Decent, economical cars with great warranties they may be but stylish???

6 Random Things

I have been tagged by Ellie from Hillbilly's at Heart to write six random things about myself.

Apparently the rules are:

1. Link to the person who “tagged” you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Here goes...

1. I believe there is a reason for everything and I tediously offer suggestions as to why things might have happened whether asked or not.

2. I don't understand the thought process behind religion or smoking. I just don't get it.

3. Sometimes I feel guilty when I leave for work in the morning because I know that my wife Mothership will have a much harder day with the kids than I will at work.

4. I was lucky enough to do my last three years of high school in Switzerland and ski for three hours every day after lunch during winter term :) The skiing was compulsory and some girls amazingly used to fake period related ailments to get out of it!!

5. I'm sure that I used to be much smarter than I am now. I'm getting dumber as I get older.

6. I really, really want to get a job for a few years in Dubai to earn some tasty tax free dollars so we can throw off the shackles of our oppressive mortgage and start having a real life.

Sadly I'm going to have to break rule 4 as all the people I would have tagged have already been hit.

On the charge of having no friends; Judge Superbonus finds himself GUILTY!!!

Daydreamin'

I had a truly wonderful daydream today....

I was driving along with my lovely wife and children on a clear sunny day enjoying the splendour of life's rich tapestry when, all of a sudden, we rounded a bend and came upon the worlds biggest accident. Imagine all the Nissan Skylines in Australia colliding at high speed with all the Subaru WRXs.

Terrific!!!!

But it gets better.

As we drove by the smouldering pile of steel and plastic we saw that under the wreckage were all the utes in the country!

MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!

98% of the dangerous, noisy, inconsiderate drivers off of our roads in one fell swoop.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Word Of The Day...

Flaps!

He he he he he he he....

Do You Give a Rat's Arse That Nicole Kidman Has Had a Baby?

I don't. In fact I hate it when "stars" have babies because that means that every news bulletin and current affairs show will headline with these overpaid, spoiled money leechers and their new sprog. Then you get the magazines and the commercials for those magazines.

Why oh why do people buy these magazines? The photos that feature in these mags are sold to them for massive profit by these "stars". What are you expecting to see that you haven't seen a thousand times before? Do you think that the child will have a single eye in the middle of it's forehead? Will it have bright green hair and fire spewing from it's anus? Unlikely...

In any case nobody else's kids are cuter than mine.

Not even Kidman's.

Not even yours!

What The F#$k is The "Innernet"?

I find myself wondering why Americans are incapable of saying the word "internet". They seem to think that the "T" is silent and it's pronounced "innernet". It really shits me.

Having said that, it seems us Australians are trying to eradicate the letter "L" from our lexicon. Can you remember the last time any of our news readers (or anyone at all) last said the word "world" properly? Apparently it's now pronounced "worwd".

You can actually get dumber just by watching TV.

The people have spoken and it's fuck you "T" and get lost "L".

Words and Phrases Guaranteed To Make Your Boss Think You Are Smart And Your Technical People Rightly Think You Know Next To Nothing...

The following is a list of words and phrases that are guaranteed to make you sound like a brain dead corporate puppet:

Convergence,
Symbiotic,
Take it Offline,
Stakeholder,
Synergistic,
Paradigm,
Take Ownership,
COB,
Brain Dump,
Deliverables,
Brain Fart,
Feature Creep,
KPI,
Touch Base,
Mind Share,
Moving Forward,
Best Practice,
Show Stopper,
Keep Me In The Loop,
Scope Creep,
Target Market,
Demographic.

I have heard all of these and many more in meetings and presentations by "Sales Engineers" (what a contradiction in terms!), executives and ladder climbing wannabees and I think it's safe to say that the minute you hear any of these terms you can roll your eyes back into your head and start day dreaming - safe in the knowledge that you're not going to learn anything from that particular drone.

Kylie Minogue Made My Baby Daughter Cry

While channel surfing this morning I had the misfortune of stumbling onto a video clip of one of Kylie Minogues vast back catalog of mediocrity. Almost immediately my daughter started to wail like a banshee!

Was it the high pitched nasal monotone?

Was it the embarrassingly limited vocal range?

Was it the fact she was dressed like a whore?

Was it the really, really simple lyrics?

Perhaps it was the obvious cosmetic surgery meaning her face doesn't move properly anymore.


It just shows that my lovely little six month old girl has inherited her fathers taste in music.

Edit: Judge Superbonus says.... GUILTY of crimes against my ears.

Judge Superbonus Says..

Channel Nine - your lightweight approach to news, current affairs and checkbook/investigative journalism is embarrassing and pathetic.

You are a shadow of your former self and Kerry Packer would be turning in his grave.

One only has to watch your rugby league coverage and hear Ray Warren rabbiting on about CSI or hear Fatty Vautin trying to cross promote another of your dodgy programs to understand why your ratings are sliding like a greasy fat person on a hill made of glass.


Channel Nine; on the charge of being crap - I find you guilty!


You're just lucky channel ten is worse.

Next case please.

Senior Sargeant Superbonus' Answer to Gangland Violence

This one really is a no brainer and I'm surprised, no shocked, that the police forces of the nation haven't figured it out.

Cast your mind back a few years when the gangs of Moran and Williams were going head to head murdering each other tit for tat. The police were actually trying to stop them?!

The solution?

Do nothing.

Do nothing until there is only one bad dude left and then either arrest him or shoot him. Bingo! Problem solved.

Next case please.

Judge Superbonus Says...

Shappelle, Mercedes and your dodgy brother: GUILTY!

Everyone knows it. Stop the charade.

Next case please.